50plus-Club forum for seniors and for everyone over 50

[Anonymous]

I have been separated and living in a different house for 3 months with the divorce just beginning, and would like to ask how come I am considered still married and not dateable? I understand the technicality, we are still married till the divorce becomes final, but when the difficult decision of divorce is made, and the two of you act on it, then why am I supposed to be alone?

I am not on the rebound or looking for sex alone, what I am talking about is wanting to meet someone, develop a relationship, and move on with my life.
The divorce will take at least another 4 months, and I have been living alone, but now I want to finnd someone to cook a meal for, ride the bike trails with, enjoy a cup of coffee with, and not be alone anymore.

I keep on hearing or am being told of the danger of dating a separated man,

[LindaOptimisticoffline]

I would say you need to be comfortable with your separation and divorce before you start looking for someone else. It's easy to want someone to fill the gap but don't run into dating someone just because you think you need to be part of a couple. Anyway happy hunting hope you find what you want.

[Anonymous]

You do not mention who stated you were "considered still married and not dateable". I have been stuck in this process for a very long time and it has cost me dearly, not only in funds, but relationships and enduring friendships. I often feel it is another 'double standard' and to me that is the greatest injustice. I could not be further from my Ex mentally, emotionally and sexually yet he is a continual thorn in my life. Mind you, it was his choice, not even a discussion with me! I am a sexual person (even more so now)... but, I'd rather be alone than chance the VD he brings home!

I truly understand your wish to have a shared friendship (or more). Sharing the good things... simple things... makes life so much more rewarding and interesting. I will caution you of newly separated men (or women) if they still pine for their to-be Ex. Nothing you can do will hurry that along; it is all within the individual (their strength or lack thereof).

I am like you. I have a desire to share my days with someone I can enjoy, relate to and certainly be sensual with. Separated people are not bad... in fact, I am often thankful that I was thrust forward into the real world. It can be amazing out here. I don't mind the "alone" part, but sharing makes good things even better and certainly more enjoyable.

My "free" advice to you would be... consider the source(s) and trust in your heart and intuition. Be strong and get through this as quickly as is SMART. Use this time for the evolution of 'You'. Most likely you will be very surprised, pleased even, of the new you. They say what does not kill us makes us stronger (and smarter)... OH YES for sure.

[Anonymous]

Well.. I'm a separated male who has not been yet divorced. My wife and I found that we were to different people, with nothing in common so we separated amicably.

I consider myself single.

Nobody can tell your heart what to do...

And if there is an empty space needing to be filled... don't go looking for it, but be open to it..

You are a female so you should be able to spot us men coming a mile away.

Trust your instincts, and not your need.

Be careful...

And follow your heart.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.We all have different ideas and opinions; as we are all individuals. So love the people who treat you right; love the ones who don't just because you can. Travel this life to the beat of your own drum; not someone else's. I wish you all the best. Becca

[lovelife09offline]

i believe that when someone is seperated and waiting for a divorce the person u are trying to date is always wondering if maybe things may work out between your marriage and does not want to take a chance in getting hurt like many times before

[Anonymous]

Hmmm...I know...bit of a dilemma. I agree with all of you! Could be a problem, the "experts" (counselors, etc.) say, because people may end up going back to each other...even after divorce, I'm sure you know some people, that remarried each other! Tough going, this emotional world! Maybe best thing to do would be to wait 6 mos after separating, see how one feels...take care of yourself first, go out with other friends (non-love relationship type), and family, etc. See what happens with the marriage....

On the other hand, one could have a husband like mine (and many more, I am sure)...that has had 3 affairs in as many years...not even separated, and behind my back!! That is a whole 'nother kettle of fish...what do you do with that...don't understand people...

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I have been separated since 1993 because my husband left me and went to Minnesiota and will not tell me or his family where he is. We had a son and He left him too and we both have not heard from him since..I could file for divorce but that would cost a fortune in which I donot have,plus I didn't leave.. So I have had alot of empty gaps in my life.. I have been in two auto accidents when I needed him and no show or call or nothing..So I made my mind up time to start dating someone or finding someone who will care about me.. Let the ex pay for the divorce..I been married twice I decided no more I would rather live with someone than to have to pay a fortune to get rid of them..I realized nothing in life is guarateed neither is love..So my advice go for it,date and find that special person nothing wrong with meeting for coffee and dinner or maybe a movie nothings permanent until you move in with them or vise versa.. Enjoy the life you want to have not what someone else wants you to have....Enjoy!!!!!

[freewunoffline]

"Your opinion counts, so please feel free to be honest, there is always another side to consider in a discussion, and no one is wrong

Thanks for reading this and I appreciate your comments."
Hello,
I am a separated man and I have never come across the problem.
When I was first separated I was still living in the family home and gave my home phone number to any women I was seeing asking them to use it with discretion as I had children at home. This I hope allayed any suspicions they may have had. I also like to think I have an honest face.
When I moved out then I was able to invite them back to "view" the house for signs of female habitation.
I felt that I didn't really need to do either of these things as women I liked and with whom I formed relationships trusted me as I obviously trusted them. Perhaps I was being naive and they disguised their suspicion well. I was never disappointed in my trust however although often relationships foundered for other reasons.
I have had relationships with both separated and single women hoping they would eventually be permanent either living together due to separated status or as a married couple.
I certainly never feel inhibited by being separated, although I'm glad my divorce is due the end of this year, and as far as I was able to ascertain, neither did any of my separated women friends.

[lonlyboy1937offline]

[Anonymous]

I made a mistake a few years ago of dating someone who said they were separated. he told me that he was living with his son and all sorts of other stuff. We ended up in a serious relationship and we talked about a future together. However, quite by accident, he dropped his satnav one day and I picked it up and noticed his last destination was an address which was completely alien. When I did a bit of detective work, I found he was cheating on me but, when I dug a bit further, the worst scenario I could have ever envisaged materialised. It turned out that, not only was he still married, his son and other children did not speak to him becasue of teh way he had treated his FOUR other wives (who had all divorced him) and his poor wife was living her life believing she still very much had a husband and they were very much together, living and loving their family and grandchildren. With teh benefit of hindsight so much dropped into place and I was so badly hurt and left feeling really stupid that I had believed him and everything he had alluded to. So, I will be very wary of dating anyone in future who says they are separated without having first checked their landline number, that they do live where they say they do and their circumstances. I too am "separated" currently and consider myself single at the moment but I am not looking to get into a relationship; I just need to rebuild my confidence and have some fun. Please learn the lessons I did before you believe "separated" to mean just that. x

[imhereoffline]

For heavens sake, take this time to get to know who you really are. Start healing. The emotional healing that can take place is huge. Try going to get some self-help books like Emotional Healing, Chicken Soup for the Senior/Adult Soul etc. Go to a yoga class or do some sort of excercise on a regular basis. Go to the SPCA and volunteer to walk some of the pets on a daily basis or as often as you wish. Enjoy the simple things such as watching a bird fly, enjoy the beauty of nature. Do this with your eyes wide open and see all the wonderful things that life still has to offer each and everyone of us.

The stronger you get from within, the more you will start to enjoy your alone time. There is so much to learn about ourselves. I know for myself, I was a humungous giant, giant onion, you know one of those 30 pounders . Once I started peeling off the layers, things started getting better. No matter who we are we all have something in our childhood that has been upsetting to us. Being the humans we are most of us store those not so good memories. Becoming teens/young adults brings much joy as well as some not so good memories. Then comes the fun stuff of marriage, again with much joy and some not so good memories. Our children, if we are blessed with them bring us much joy and again some rough times. Overall, we do what we have to do until something happens in our lives that all of a sudden we find ourselves 50+ and still looking for that love we thought we found. Hopefully wiser from all of our life experiences. Equipped with age and wisdom we have a better understanding of ourselves. Let your experiences guide you to make sure that you surround yourself with happy, fun people. Ignore those who bring you down. Be at peace with yourself - only you can do that. You need to be the one who finds the strength from within to make sure that you become the happy camper that we all want to be.

We can avoid being hurt again by knowing ourselves. Learning to love who we are. Removing the past hurts with emotional healing. There is so much we can do to improve ourselves and make sure that we are not hurt again. That is up to each and every one of us to learn by our mistakes. Healing ourselves from within will make us stronger.

This takes a lot of time, commitment to yourself and a lot of guts to go face to face with reality. Denial will become just a word taken from the dictionary. This will no longer be in us. Our eyes are wide open to face the incredible journey that lies ahead of us.

I have briefly outlined some of my beliefs. This is by no way coming from a professional source (psych/social worker/doctor etc). This is coming from a person whose experience is vast and is willing to share my knowledge. For those of you that have seen the movie AVATAR....................I see me. Do you see you? Those Avatarians put a huge smile on my face and there was such a terrific meaning behind the actual story. I would have never seen the "meaning" unless I learned how to emotionally heal myself. If you have not yet seen this movie, go see it. This movie is very refreshing and uplifting. Enjoy 3 hours 3D movie. This movie will be nominated at the best movie of the year, at least I think so. John Cameron the producer, produced the move "TITANIC". Anyways before I start writing an autobiography, I will say goodnight.

Please be good to yourself.




A friend

[Anonymous]

Hi, I'm new to the site and I have been separated for 7 months.
He was a liar and a cheater and the day I found out I left him.
I will never go back. My divorce will be final this fall.
I have spent three months in couselling and in a support group, and I have done the work to take care of myself and learn from my mistakes.
Do I not deserve a chance to find happiness with someone new?
Anyone who judges does not understand that when you point a finger at someone else, four fingers point back at yourself.
I feel that I am myself again and ready to move on.
This time around I want to take things slowly and get to know someone as a friend before anything else.
Is there anyone here who understands and is looking for a friend?

[AnnieMcoffline]

My suggestion is to take the issues to a Professional......to try and ensure, mistakes are not repeated.