I find myself in such a melancholy mood today. I am considering the human being I am, the woman I am, and comparing it against the person I was yesterday. I am confident now. I wasn't always. I grew up in a foster, and a group home system, who valued me for the federal money they would receive each time they placed me in an open bed. My humanity was lost to the value of green paper. I had no voice. I had no control. I was incapable of making decisions for my life.
Today, I make the hardest decisions. I consider everything for at least twenty-four hours. Nothing is SO important it can't wait twenty-four hours to be decided. I am calm. I have a strong voice. I am well respected. I use my voice to help the downtrodden and helpless. The chronically hope lost and homeless. I am particularly involved in helping mentally ill children - because of my beautiful Lily. Who knew Schizophrenia and Autism could live in the same poor child. God help me, I NEVER would have imagined it.
I am unselfish. I think I always was. I think back to my sixteenth birthday. I requested two cassette tapes, and a blue mascara. (Yes, I'm dating myself..lol) Poor, Laura C! She came to my bedroom and had loving conversations with me ,every night for a month. She WANTED me to want more. She kept explaining all of the nice things I could ask for: new jeans, a new leather coat to replace the one I wore every day (it's meaning was lost on her), pajamas; a prom dress (as if!); new boots or shoes; unlimited possibilities. I honestly think it hurt her because I was content with so little. She never really understood. I didn't want material items. Like today, I wanted a true human connection.Maybe that's part of why I have chosen to be alone so long. Ci-Ci has always asserted that I've used my children as an excuse not to date - because I was afraid I wouldn't find true connection. Maybe she's right. Twenty-five years, and I haven't even thought about trying until now. I think I always believed the "right" man would just walk in at the "right" time - when I was ready...wrong.
I have worked so hard on the person I am. I want to be cautious. I want to meet someone who meets my needs, not "accept" someone simply because they are there. I need someone who fits. Lily is forever. Whomever I choose, they will eventually have to accept her and interact with her; lovingly. They will have to be willing to give me room to continue growing. Every day, I discover something new about the person I am maturing into. I would hope they are growing too. They will have to accept that holding their hand while taking an evening ealk; really talking and laughing with one another, means so much more to me, than grand gestures every day. A gesture is fine - once in a while- but connect with me. Let me "feel" who you are. They will also have to accept I am a tough woman. I do have opinions and ideas. I do not sit silent when something is wrong. I WILL call the cops if my neighbor is being beat up. I ALWAYS attempt to do the right thing.
So far, I haven't had much luck. I've met some fine people. Don't get me wrong. The problem is, most of them are other women. I also met a gentleman looking for a Dom. Really??? What in MY profile flags that behavior? Ouch! I think I should be properly offended...lol. I've never done this before, maybe there's a code I missed, somewhere? Jeepers! Was it the fact I'm a retired soldier? Or maybe because I love motorcycles? Ugh...landmines and learning curves, right?
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