I'm hoping there are people here who can share their experiences/journey with me, in an effort to help me understand this process. I'm new to this site. I'm not looking for dating or relationships, I came here looking for friendship. The problem is, I find that most mature men and women are looking for dating or relationships and not many people are interested in building friendships at this stage in their lives. I'm just wondering why that is.

Is it because most people already have strong established networks of friends that they've had all their lives and they don't need more friends? Or is it that people just don't place value on friendship anymore? Or is it that people are just too busy to dedicate the time and effort to building friendships?

The reason I'm inquisitive about this is because I'm alone in life, in my late 40's , and I don't have a husband, don't have kids, don't have family, and I have tried building close friendships to fill the gap in my life but I find it very very difficult. I'm very outgoing and very social, and I have lots of acquaintances and people that I see from time to time in social environments, BUT, what's lacking is that I don't have close friend in my life, all the people in my life are just acquanitances. I don't have that one person that I can talk to about things, someone to just hang out with, someone to cry with, laugh with, do things with, etc. And I miss that. I'm a person who makes friends easily and I'm not shy at all, and I organize a lot of social events, etc. But I either don't find the right kind of people to truly connect with, or if I do they're not interested in connecting because they don't need/want friends, etc.

When I say I feel alone in life, I'm not talking about lonliness. I'm not really lonely. I live a very full and active social life, and am surrounded by people. What I'm talking about is a deep inner sense of aloneness in life, like I'm all alone in the world, the people in my life are not people that I have the closeness with that I could pick up the phone and call them if I was in a car accident and needed someone to be there for me. I don't have an inner, close connection with anyone as a friend. If I dropped dead today, I don't know of anyone in my life that I could depend on to even plan a funeral for me. It's a horrible feeling.

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person in this boat. I'd really like to be able to hear from others who may have experienced this same thing or may have some advice on how to deal with this. This is not just a matter of getting out there and meeting people, I meet people all the time and am very socially active, but I don't seem to be able to build the deep closeness with women that I'm talking about in friendship. What I do find most times is that the closeness is much easier to build and find with male friends, but then it always leads to the problems with him wanting more (dating, relationship, etc). I find I connect better with me, maybe because I find men less judgemental and less competitive and less catty than women.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Friendship, what an interesting subject. You are right of course that building friendships at a mature age is more difficult than when we were school kids and friendships with your 'besties' were so incredibly intense. So many of our friends as we grow older, are friends of convenience (they live next door, their kids are the same age, we go to the same gym, book club, etc.), when the reason for contact changes, frequently, the relationship dies.

You are looking for someone who is more meaningful and that is very understandable. I have made new friends through this club, people I've actually met, women who have a commonality with my life. They understand quickly why I think, feel or react as I do, because they have been where I've been, or at least experienced life in a similar manner. The things that are important to them, are important to me. There is a basic belief system, I'm not talking politics or religion, but in our inherent need to do and be what we are.

I think what I'm saying goes against all the books, you don't necessarily find friends at the gym or night school class... you find them in places where you belong. Chances are the people you find there, will connect with you, too.

Hope this is more helpful, than confusing. Sometimes I find if I write something down, talk to someone, I find my own answers.
I totally understand what you are saying. I had to move a few times with my job throughout my 40's and 50's. It was very difficult for me because I couldn't or didn't form close friendships. I was alone and sometimes I really needed to be able to pick up the phone and call someone but I couldn't. I was divorced and all of my co-workers were either married or dating and their status totally eliminated the possibility of making friends. I was very busy so I always thought that when I get older I'm sure I will make a friend or two. Well, now I am retired and I am 66 years old (my profile is coffeegirl1946) and I just recently went through a depression because I still have no friends. I have lots of acquaintances and I get along well with my neighbours - but when life hurts, I cry alone. There is no one to go for a drive with or watch a sunset or even go for a walk with.

I could never understand why people don't see the need for friendship. It's the friend who helps you up when life knocks you down.

I have been lucky that I have good health because if I were to get cancer and had to go for treatment, there would be no one who would be concerned for my welfare and be there for me.

Friends are your strength in times of weakness. I am glad to read the post because I really thought there was something wrong with me. I'm seeing women get into really bad relationships and stick with them rather than be alone. I don't get it. I can count 5 women who are acquaintances of mine right off the top of my head who are in intolerable relationships but won't leave because they say "I don't have enough money to live on my own so I have to stay with him."

To me friends are like diamonds
coffeegirl1946 wrote: I totally understand what you are saying. I had to move a few times with my job throughout my 40's and 50's. It was very difficult for me because I couldn't or didn't form close friendships. I was alone and sometimes I really needed to be able to pick up the phone and call someone but I couldn't. I was divorced and all of my co-workers were either married or dating and their status totally eliminated the possibility of making friends. I was very busy so I always thought that when I get older I'm sure I will make a friend or two. Well, now I am retired and I am 66 years old (my profile is coffeegirl1946) and I just recently went through a depression because I still have no friends. I have lots of acquaintances and I get along well with my neighbours - but when life hurts, I cry alone. There is no one to go for a drive with or watch a sunset or even go for a walk with.

I could never understand why people don't see the need for friendship. It's the friend who helps you up when life knocks you down.

I have been lucky that I have good health because if I were to get cancer and had to go for treatment, there would be no one who would be concerned for my welfare and be there for me.

Friends are your strength in times of weakness. I am glad to read the post because I really thought there was something wrong with me. I'm seeing women get into really bad relationships and stick with them rather than be alone. I don't get it. I can count 5 women who are acquaintances of mine right off the top of my head who are in intolerable relationships but won't leave because they say "I don't have enough money to live on my own so I have to stay with him."

To me friends are like diamonds


Hi there! There are several members here who just look for friends and its one of the purposes of the club as not all over 50s are looking for partners. If you pop into the chatroom at 9pm(UK time) on a Sunday(4pm Ontario) there is a weekly quiz which many of the regulars take part in; not too serious, just fun!
coffeegirl1946 wrote: I totally understand what you are saying. I had to move a few times with my job throughout my 40's and 50's. It was very difficult for me because I couldn't or didn't form close friendships. I was alone and sometimes I really needed to be able to pick up the phone and call someone but I couldn't. I was divorced and all of my co-workers were either married or dating and their status totally eliminated the possibility of making friends. I was very busy so I always thought that when I get older I'm sure I will make a friend or two. Well, now I am retired and I am 66 years old (my profile is coffeegirl1946) and I just recently went through a depression because I still have no friends. I have lots of acquaintances and I get along well with my neighbours - but when life hurts, I cry alone. There is no one to go for a drive with or watch a sunset or even go for a walk with.

I could never understand why people don't see the need for friendship. It's the friend who helps you up when life knocks you down.

I have been lucky that I have good health because if I were to get cancer and had to go for treatment, there would be no one who would be concerned for my welfare and be there for me.

Friends are your strength in times of weakness. I am glad to read the post because I really thought there was something wrong with me. I'm seeing women get into really bad relationships and stick with them rather than be alone. I don't get it. I can count 5 women who are acquaintances of mine right off the top of my head who are in intolerable relationships but won't leave because they say "I don't have enough money to live on my own so I have to stay with him."

To me friends are like diamonds


First of all, Welcome ot the 50 plus club. Take your time in searching for what you are in need of and someone will come along, you may find someone in chat that can relate to what you are going through.
I think when you have to be in a certain place or have gone through some development phases and stages, there maybe a chance of sustaining a platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Although for me its more important to find enough of an overlap of interests and motivation to develop a relationship.  
I have been married for many years and have had a number of friendships with both sexes over the years. Most remained platonic, but some moved into a more intimate place.  Recently, one of my closest friends, after many single years has decided she wants to be married or in a live in relationship, I don't blame her and can see she has been unhappy with where she's at, but I know it could change our close relationship.  I remain hopeful in signing up on this site that I might find a few friends that share interests, but I understand what you are saying,  :)
Well it is pretty obvious.

You say "I'm new to this site. I'm not looking for dating or relationships, I came here looking for friendship. The problem is, I find that most mature men and women are looking for dating or relationships and not many people are interested in building friendships at this stage in their lives. I'm just wondering why that is"

I have news for you, friendships are relationships. You are single, childless, never had close friends. You need to let people into your life. Learn why you don't trust people enough to get close to them. You can put yourself in all the social situations you want, but if you are always suspicious and standoffish, you will never make real friends.

 
Minskore wrote: I'm hoping there are people here who can share their experiences/journey with me, in an effort to help me understand this process. I'm new to this site. I'm not looking for dating or relationships, I came here looking for friendship. The problem is, I find that most mature men and women are looking for dating or relationships and not many people are interested in building friendships at this stage in their lives. I'm just wondering why that is.

Is it because most people already have strong established networks of friends that they've had all their lives and they don't need more friends? Or is it that people just don't place value on friendship anymore? Or is it that people are just too busy to dedicate the time and effort to building friendships?

The reason I'm inquisitive about this is because I'm alone in life, in my late 40's , and I don't have a husband, don't have kids, don't have family, and I have tried building close friendships to fill the gap in my life but I find it very very difficult. I'm very outgoing and very social, and I have lots of acquaintances and people that I see from time to time in social environments, BUT, what's lacking is that I don't have close friend in my life, all the people in my life are just acquanitances. I don't have that one person that I can talk to about things, someone to just hang out with, someone to cry with, laugh with, do things with, etc. And I miss that. I'm a person who makes friends easily and I'm not shy at all, and I organize a lot of social events, etc. But I either don't find the right kind of people to truly connect with, or if I do they're not interested in connecting because they don't need/want friends, etc.

When I say I feel alone in life, I'm not talking about lonliness. I'm not really lonely. I live a very full and active social life, and am surrounded by people. What I'm talking about is a deep inner sense of aloneness in life, like I'm all alone in the world, the people in my life are not people that I have the closeness with that I could pick up the phone and call them if I was in a car accident and needed someone to be there for me. I don't have an inner, close connection with anyone as a friend. If I dropped dead today, I don't know of anyone in my life that I could depend on to even plan a funeral for me. It's a horrible feeling.

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person in this boat. I'd really like to be able to hear from others who may have experienced this same thing or may have some advice on how to deal with this. This is not just a matter of getting out there and meeting people, I meet people all the time and am very socially active, but I don't seem to be able to build the deep closeness with women that I'm talking about in friendship. What I do find most times is that the closeness is much easier to build and find with male friends, but then it always leads to the problems with him wanting more (dating, relationship, etc). I find I connect better with me, maybe because I find men less judgemental and less competitive and less catty than women.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

...My 5 cents worth well as a starter preplan and prepay your funeral,sort of keeps you as "the one in charge" the rest well jump in the water is fine :-)
:) Hi... I am new on the site, and saw ur posting, and in a few ways, can identify with what you wrote. I too am looking to create meaningful friendships. I know many people, but want friendships that are deep and withstand the test of time and life's challenges... I too am looking to find people, in real life and online, to share with.My old friends have moved geographically, or have grown in ways different than I have , and perhaps were not heart friends to begin with. I too would love to hear from people who are like minded. Have a great day.
Post in the forum, join in on the chat, create an interesting blog for others to read.  You will soon make friends, there are lots of people on here, some married, that are just looking for friends.  Some women looking for other female friends.  Some men don't want a relationship, just friendship.  

Scroll through the profiles and don't be afraid to make the first move.  A lot of people are shy. 
 
Minskore wrote: I'm hoping there are people here who can share their experiences/journey with me, in an effort to help me understand this process. I'm new to this site. I'm not looking for dating or relationships, I came here looking for friendship. The problem is, I find that most mature men and women are looking for dating or relationships and not many people are interested in building friendships at this stage in their lives. I'm just wondering why that is.

Is it because most people already have strong established networks of friends that they've had all their lives and they don't need more friends? Or is it that people just don't place value on friendship anymore? Or is it that people are just too busy to dedicate the time and effort to building friendships?

The reason I'm inquisitive about this is because I'm alone in life, in my late 40's , and I don't have a husband, don't have kids, don't have family, and I have tried building close friendships to fill the gap in my life but I find it very very difficult. I'm very outgoing and very social, and I have lots of acquaintances and people that I see from time to time in social environments, BUT, what's lacking is that I don't have close friend in my life, all the people in my life are just acquanitances. I don't have that one person that I can talk to about things, someone to just hang out with, someone to cry with, laugh with, do things with, etc. And I miss that. I'm a person who makes friends easily and I'm not shy at all, and I organize a lot of social events, etc. But I either don't find the right kind of people to truly connect with, or if I do they're not interested in connecting because they don't need/want friends, etc.

When I say I feel alone in life, I'm not talking about lonliness. I'm not really lonely. I live a very full and active social life, and am surrounded by people. What I'm talking about is a deep inner sense of aloneness in life, like I'm all alone in the world, the people in my life are not people that I have the closeness with that I could pick up the phone and call them if I was in a car accident and needed someone to be there for me. I don't have an inner, close connection with anyone as a friend. If I dropped dead today, I don't know of anyone in my life that I could depend on to even plan a funeral for me. It's a horrible feeling.

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person in this boat. I'd really like to be able to hear from others who may have experienced this same thing or may have some advice on how to deal with this. This is not just a matter of getting out there and meeting people, I meet people all the time and am very socially active, but I don't seem to be able to build the deep closeness with women that I'm talking about in friendship. What I do find most times is that the closeness is much easier to build and find with male friends, but then it always leads to the problems with him wanting more (dating, relationship, etc). I find I connect better with me, maybe because I find men less judgemental and less competitive and less catty than women.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I definetly can relate to what u r saying here. I also just want a true friend who really cares about my well being . I have had the "in love" and all that in life but never really a true best friend completely who is someone close to hang out with and share day to day things.