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This is the place to discuss the ‘dating game‘ or ‘dating reality", falling in love the second time again, what ‘romance" means to you and why some great friendships never meant to be a ‘relationship".

Postby Luminaluna » 14.09.2017, 15:35

Hi, I know this probably seems like a rhetorical question, but how do you get past the hurt of a betrayal, the terrible discovery that the person has been lying to you for a long time, that the person is unwilling to stop the hurtful behavior, even after you confronted him/her, even if you begged (literally) that person to stop? I guess what I'm asking is whether or not you try to stay in the relationship or decide it can not go forward, either way, that pain won't go away. I am a pragmatist, maybe too much of one, but I don't want to just think and talk, I want to do, and by do, I mean something positive, not to immediately get rid of the pain but to life without it chocking you. I have started weekly counseling and the first session really helped and I plan to continue for awhile, no matter what happens. If anyone has been in this kind of situation, and has any words of advice/experience about what else helps the pain of a betrayal like this, I would love to read. Thank you!
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Postby Mariposa61 » 15.09.2017, 3:27

Hi Luminaluna,

First of all I have to say I am not a Counsellor , nor I have experienced a betrayal in my marriage for 20 years . However, I have circles of family friends and relatives who succumbed into depression because of infidelity of their husbands or partners.
I don't really know the real situation. If you are attending Counselling and the other party is not .... I don't see any logic behind it. In fact, you're draining your bank account to pay for the Counselling service ( unless it's free .) Both of you should rather go for counselling and discuss whatever grievances you have in your relationship... what went wrong ?.... and find resolution to it.
It must be hard and painful to kiss your relationship goodbye . However painful it is, your wound will heal as time passes by......
I am not a Pragmatist , but rather a Realist .
" Life is a series of choices, none of which are new. The oldest is choosing to be a victim, or choosing not to ."

Take care !
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Postby blackwidow » 15.09.2017, 4:56

Hey there Luminaluna,
I just want to say I am sorry for your problems,, alot have been there. It is not easy..You are YOU, and if you are not happy, you cannot make others happy. Please focus on yourself FIRST, be honest, follow your heart, others will follow you for your genuine being.
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Postby FiftyShadesofGrey » 15.09.2017, 10:26

My firs wife betrayed me by going off with a so called best friend. It took me over a year to trust a female again. I lost a lot of weight, drank more and went into depression. There was light at the end of the tunnel and friends came and helped me. It took over a year, but life got better, but unfortunately you do not forget. I eventually married someone else 7 years later and life was good. Do not give up hope, but I think it is wrong that both of you go to counselling as he was the one who betrayed you and he could do it again if you were to get back together. The trust would never be the same again
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Postby Mariposa61 » 15.09.2017, 10:50

Hi Fifty Shades of Grey,

I believe in Communication , but it has to be 2 way street. If marriage can be saved , and the other partner is truly remorseful and repentant for what he did .... then perhaps the Heart can forgive.
However, if this Man cannot stop philandering with women .... then something is wrong ! He must be taking too much of Viagra !!
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Postby Susanshale » 16.09.2017, 0:35

Hi I was with my partner 34 years and he had a 2nd affair I forgave him the first time which was 7 years earlier but when I found out the 2nd time I threw him out but I kept letting him back in my life but everyone including our grown up children said to finish it so I did and this was 3 years ago I regret everyday I still love him and I've suffered so much with depression I have recently been diagnosed with BPD and bi polar type 2 I have tried to commit suicide and I would love to have him back but he won't come back as our children would kill him because they think I'm better off without him maybe I am I don't know I just wish I could go back so really think hard and listen to your heart not your head xx
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Postby Luminaluna » 16.09.2017, 6:02

Thank you all, for your thoughtful and kind replies. You've given me some things to think about, and Mariposa61 (great sign on name, btw), thanks for making me laugh!

Whatever is going on with him, he needs to figure it out soon. He has nearly depleted my reserves of 25 years worth of love, understanding, and patience. A whole lot of destruction to our family and our marriage, and I think he may have realized it is own fear of growing old (a late midlife crisis at 68 that is in part driving his actions, he said this this morning, and said he realizes his actions have not been reasonable. He said he wants to find counseling and maybe talk to his priest too). He's never been a cruel or selfish person, never, and yet, this stranger is.

Susanhale--What you have been through sounds awful! I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I am very happy to read you have the love and protection of your children. No one needs that kind of hurtful love, not you, not me. As my dear friend has told me, "you are worthy of love." I know that love is patient, love is kind, love forgives all things. But love does not mean I will be your toilet. I need to remember that too because every rib and breast bone is now showing on my frame. Eating is hard. Panic attacks at night are the worst and this feel masochistic, protecting his reputation, trying to keep our daughter from shutting him out of her life altogether. I don't want any medication that will make it harder for me to focus while I am writing, but I may need to ask about some antidepressants. What are you doing for your depression? . . .

Thank you all again.
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Postby Mariposa61 » 17.09.2017, 4:42

To Luminaluna,

I am glad I made you laugh.
Be well and have a great day !
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Postby Susanshale » 17.09.2017, 19:15

I am on antidepressants and mood stabilizers thanks x
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Postby Mariposa61 » 18.09.2017, 11:22

To: Susanshale

It is sad that you have to go through all these heartaches and pain .
The etiology of Bipolar is unknown, but seems to often run in families ( genetics. ) Stressful life events like yours can make Bipolar Disorder difficult to treat.
I hope you have a good Psychiatrist . It is very crucial that you have a regular check up/ follow up due to your suicidal ideation. You have to acknowledge the root cause of your problem (depression.)
I'm sorry , but I have to agree with your children.
Do take good care of yourself and stay strong !
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Postby belloftheball » 19.09.2017, 21:10

Luminaluna wrote:Hi, I know this probably seems like a rhetorical question, but how do you get past the hurt of a betrayal, the terrible discovery that the person has been lying to you for a long time, that the person is unwilling to stop the hurtful behavior, even after you confronted him/her, even if you begged (literally) that person to stop? I guess what I'm asking is whether or not you try to stay in the relationship or decide it can not go forward, either way, that pain won't go away. I am a pragmatist, maybe too much of one, but I don't want to just think and talk, I want to do, and by do, I mean something positive, not to immediately get rid of the pain but to life without it chocking you. I have started weekly counseling and the first session really helped and I plan to continue for awhile, no matter what happens. If anyone has been in this kind of situation, and has any words of advice/experience about what else helps the pain of a betrayal like this, I would love to read. Thank you!


Hello, and sorry for this situation causing so much pain for you. How about a little exercise in
"re-Focusing" Don't focus on getting past the hurt of betrayal,you are human and it will hurt, instead focus only on your reaction or response to this distraction,will you minimize how much of yourself you will give to this. Will you continue to respond with your valuable emotional strength, or will you look at it as an unfortunate experience, but not let it rob you of your importance and value, you're strong
enough to begin again, you have much to give, now you have additional experience, that has expanded your horizons......go to it, you have not been defeated, just a little deflated!!!
Thanks for listening, I pray for the best for you.....Have a great future, Belloftheball
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Postby scrummy » 20.09.2017, 0:24

I have been to that place you write about,
How did i get past it, by putting the focus on me.
and what i could try do for myself, and i mean try,
Some days all i could muster was to put one foot in front of the other
and I never tried to obtain peace of mind by running down the Ex, cos that dosent work,
A few yrs ago, I heard The Dalai Lama give a talk here at the university,
He spoke for 40mins on forgiveness, Everyone there listened with the reverence it deserved,
He also said it was more productive for a person to find one fault in themselves,
then to find a hundred in another, It starts and ends with me.
Best Wishes To You.
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Postby Luminaluna » 20.09.2017, 4:08

Thank you Belloftheball and Scrummy, (and I really want to know the stories behind your sign on names too :-).

I'm writing to you tonight from a hotel. Tonight I told the man I am married to (I'm not feeling like he's my husband anymore) that I needed some space. I am in a comfortable, quiet, clean, safe, and well-lit room where I can focus on me and my work. I will go back home on Thurs. or Fri., I can't live in a hotel forever after all, but for now the break makes it easier to breathe. And I think I may be able to eat too. I bought some groceries for the kitechenette here and am settled in to write, read, and sleep, hopefully without the panic attacks. I don't know why, but since I found out about the other woman, asked/begged him to stop seeing her and at least try to focus on our marriage and he said no, he would not because that would be betraying HER (about 2 weeks ago), I have had a very hard time staying calm. It's like I feel traumatized all the time, even after moving out of the bedroom. Just being in the house we built together. . . . He was my safe space for 25 years. Today he didn't even argue when I said I was going to leave for a couple of days to give myself some breathing room. He just said, "I hope you'll be safe. I hope you eat." There was a time he was so attentive, so loving. He didn't even like me to walk the dogs alone at night. That man is gone, and I have been living with and giving all my power to a cold-eyed stranger. Taking some back for me now. Thank you, lovely people.
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Postby rubysoho » 21.09.2017, 0:48

Hello Luminaluna,
I know what a difficult time this is for you, but with good professional help and the support of family and friends, you will get through this.
I am a RN and was in a 37 yr marriage that I found out was full of betrayal and lies. For 2 people to want to work through a situation, and this can be worked through, but only if both people want to do it and the dysfunctional behaviours are acknowledged and have to stop. I am a firm believer of everything for a reason and as long as we can learn and grow from our life experiences, well that is healthy and moving forward.
Take good care.
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Postby Applemac » 21.09.2017, 1:34

So many of us have been where you are, and each has found their own way through it. My suggestion for you is to remember it's not about you. What happened lay strictly with him, and there was probably nothing you could have done to have it not happen. If a person is open to having an affair, there's going to be an affair. His decision to cheat was made long before the other woman came into his life.

You will get through this, and it sounds doubtful that he is willing to work through these issues and strengthen his marriage. So now it's up to you, to find out who you are, what you want in life. I would suggest seeing a specialized divorce lawyer, and soon, it's not going to be easy, and you need to know what your options are. You cannot make a decision regarding your future without the tools you need.
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