once i took ABBA out for a meal..... if i had to do the same again i would my friend for a Nandos
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?
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Rise of the Luddites
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Brilliant!
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1.Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll want to
go to the Loo.
2.Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.
3.Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law -
If you change traffic lanes, the one
you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.
6.Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone will ring.
7.Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know
INCREASES dramatically when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.
8.Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
10.Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium -
At any event, the people whose seats are
farthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet
and who leave early before the end of the
performance or the game is over. The folks
in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.
12.Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.
13.Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich
landing face down on a floor are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet or rug
14.Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible IF you don't know
what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16.The 50-50-90 Law
Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it OR the store will
stop selling it!
18.Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go
to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel
better. But don't make an appointment and you'll
stay sick. :lol:
Points to ponder

1. What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I enjoy throwing it?
2. If a poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
3. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent" the S or the C?
4. Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?
5. Why is the letter W in English called double u? Shouldn't it be called double v?
6. Maybe Oxygen is slowly killing us and it takes 75 - 100 years to work?
7. Every time you clean something, you are making something else dirty
8. The word "swims" upside down is still "swims"
9. Intentionally losing a game of rock scissors dynamite is just as hard as trying to win
10. 100 years ago, everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses
11. Your future self is watching you right now through your memories
12. If you replace the W with T in the words What, Where and When, you get the answer to each of them
13. Many animals probably need glasses but nobody knows it
14. If you rip a hole in a net there are actually fewer holes in the net than there were before
15. The doctors who told Stephen Hawking that he had only two years to live in 1953 died before he did
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender points and asks, "What's that?" The frog says, "I don't know. It started out as a bump on my ass."
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

* If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Asian mothers use, Toothpicks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

* Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?

* Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

* Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

* Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

* Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

* Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

* Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

* If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

* Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

* Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

* Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

* Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

* Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

* How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

* When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so; why do we say, “It’s all right”?

* Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

* How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

* And Statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness, think of your three best friends. If they’re OK..? (then it’s you!)

* REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like….......night!!!!

* Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. They can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

* Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

* And The Number 1 Thought ....................."Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
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A little writer's humour! :lol:
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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL: -
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL: -
1) Wrap it in cheese