Hello Tamara,
I really feel for you. In my experience there's no shortage of "sharks in the swimming pool". From the way your story reads, I'd say you already have reached the maximum of discomfort and insecurity. How much more can it hurt to escape and grow accustomed to self maintenance and autonomy? Your value as a person isn't measured by a manipulative ass or by any measure from without yourself. You simply need to acclimate to an existence of self determination. Sounds easy, I know. However, time passes quickly and before you know it, the joy of returning home to an environment of your own making is a blessed thing. Being the convenient receptacle of an asshole's libidinous desires with nothing returned to you is a detriment to your well being. So, hunker down and traverse this barren existence into the oasis that awaits ahead. You can do it!
I hope my offering is useful to you and helps you escape your plight. If you need an ear to scream into,,, I am easily approached. Best of luck in your journey.
"in two years, this guy has never slept at home. He claims that it's because of his live of work, that he has to be on call and works nights. Thing is, he seems to work days too , so...he never sleeps? Also, in two years, this guy has never taken me out, never shared a meal or drink with me and more often than not he completely ignores my existence in the house apart from when he wants intimacy ( physical )."

At the risk of sounding mean I just have to ask: WHY did you put up with it for two years?  I've been in bad relationships and the second I realized they were going sideways, those losers were out the door.

Why would you wait two years?  You say because of all of this you lost your self-esteem but to me, a person with a high level of  self-esteem wouldn't have accepted that kind of behaviour to start with. I'm glad you finally saw him for what he is. Nobody deserves to be treated like that - man or woman.

Look for some kind of support group where you live. The city I used to live in had a group called Emotions Anonymous to help people recover from bad situations. Get some support because I can only imagine how alone you feel. 
Good luck Tamara.
You can do it.
There are good men out there (I was lucky enough to find one- eventually!) but first you need to get out of there, and rediscover who you are. Learn to love and value yourself. You are worth so much more than to be used like this. You will be a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. Don't look to jump straight into another relationship - if you learn to cope on your own first, you will be stronger in the relationships that come your way, and I'm sure they will.
All the best.
Tamara1
I am not trying to sound cruel here so please don't take it that way
You ask a million questions that you already have the answers to, even if he was not living a double life (which I believe he is from what you are saying) a woman needs to know she is Loved and not from a man telling her, but by his touch, the way he looks into her eyes, the way he does the little things in life that constantly prove he Loves you. It is very clear he does not Love you or Respect you, you know there is something going on, show some respect for yourself and get out before you have totally lost yourself completely. Just by some of the statements you have may you know this is not what you want, it screams it in your notes but yet you stay, YOU NEED TO GET OUT, the reason you put up that post was you knew people would tell you to get the hell out, you need support, he is not watching you 24 7 he has you thinking that so you will not leave, LEAVE. You are probably a very nice person who will find someone but not while you are there. Grow some and get out, if you need help I am sure there are people here that will help, but you must truly want out not just say it. One question, why did it take 2 plus years for you to put this all together?
I have found that some like the drama of the situation they are in. The rallying of the troops. The input of voices, the sound bites, and the attention. No person in their right mind would put up with the situation you have described. To stay in a situation that is this unhealthy means you get some validation. I have dealt with people in person that live in a toxic relationships and have noticed that even after all the questions have been asked, all the advice given, its never enough. Nor do they leave. I have also noticed that when I stop listening, stop offering a shoulder and stop being on speed dial, they turn to somebody else.
Nothing is as simple as it seems. So you have to ask the question, why do I continue in this relationship and what does it validate in me. What is it that I am getting out of it. You might be surprised. Believe it or not people, some live for relationships that are toxic.
Laurie
Breakups and Revenge


Revenge Your Ex

Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a
variety of reasons, usually because they got dumped or where cheated on.
Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to
vent, and then escalates from there. Now sites like "Get Revenge On Your Ex"
for a fee will help you get pay back or revenge.

So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting
nude photos of her and so on.

The best way according to the web site Right Choices 101 is to live your
life well. This is true no matter who you are seeking revenge on. Coworkers,
past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and
enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge
that can end up costing you much more. Plus, when you seek revenge, you send
them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It's much
better to show you are indifferent and don't care.

According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes in
helping men find young beautiful foreign women, "The best revenge is to date
or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex. This will piss her off to no
end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive
woman. Just like a man never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier
or more successful.

I will never forget one of my first clients we took to Saint Petersburg,
Russia." says Agee, "The client told me that two days on our tour was better
than two years of therapy. Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over
you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick.

I personally went through break up when my ex ran off with another man. But
a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into
that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not
thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging women, while I was now
with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100
pounds. I don't look at that fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person
who saved me from my ex and years of suffering." This is the best a revenge
when you win without lowering yourself.

Other sites like "Get Over Her Now" give practical advice and tips for
getting over a past relationship.

Top Tips from Get Over Her Now:

Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old,
young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly. This greatly helps you get back in the
game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots
opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends in a more relaxed
environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence.

Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise.

Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your
confidence.

Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don't let a break up effect
your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off
with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence
and help attract better quality women.

Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel
depressed, don't sit and watch TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do
something that will make you feel like you've accomplished something. Take a
class, go hiking, fix something you've been putting off.

Don't start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your
life. Don't drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some
one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating
something, don't drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to
someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem.

Don't sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you
can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting
up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be
depressed.

Don't binge eat. If you start gaining weight, you will feel less self-worth
and lose your confidence. Confidence is a quality that women are extremely
attracted to.

Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she
realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet
someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are
seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!
Tamara - if it is not 50/50 it is NOT A RELATIONSHIP.

In relationship you eat together, sleep together or at least in the same house, have mutual friends, get presents, give presents, go out together at least now and again, share interests. How many of those are happening with you.

Perhaps in your earlier life you became accustomed in some way to being neglected, rejected, ill-treated. If this is so, likely you stay with him because it is familiar to you. Luckily you have no children with him. Whether or not he is living with his supposed ex-wife is immaterial. How he treats you is the main issue here. Remember actions speak louder than words, and this man's actions say you mean LESS THAN NOTHING to him. Is this really good enough for you. Is that what you deserve in life. Think 5 years down the line. Do you really want to still be in this bind. Likely if you remain it will be a worse bind. You have a choice - you stay,or you go. You don't have to tell him you are going, just GO!!! Believe me, there is a better world out there. Find it.
Breakups and Revenge

Revenge Your Ex

Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a
variety of reasons, usually because they got dumped or where cheated on.
Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to
vent, and then escalates from there. Now sites like "Get Revenge On Your Ex"
for a fee will help you get pay back or revenge.

So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting
nude photos of her and so on.

The best way according to the web site Right Choices 101 is to live your
life well. This is true no matter who you are seeking revenge on. Coworkers,
past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and
enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge
that can end up costing you much more. Plus, when you seek revenge, you send
them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It's much
better to show you are indifferent and don't care.

According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes in
helping men find young beautiful foreign women, "The best revenge is to date
or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex. This will piss her off to no
end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive
woman. Just like a man never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier
or more successful.

I will never forget one of my first clients we took to Saint Petersburg,
Russia." says Agee, "The client told me that two days on our tour was better
than two years of therapy. Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over
you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick.

I personally went through break up when my ex ran off with another man. But
a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into
that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not
thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging women, while I was now
with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100
pounds. I don't look at that fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person
who saved me from my ex and years of suffering." This is the best a revenge
when you win without lowering yourself.

Other sites like "Get Over Her Now" give practical advice and tips for
getting over a past relationship.

Top Tips from Get Over Her Now:

Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old,
young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly. This greatly helps you get back in the
game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots
opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends in a more relaxed
environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence.

Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise.

Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your
confidence.

Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don't let a break up effect
your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off
with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence
and help attract better quality women.

Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel
depressed, don't sit and watch TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do
something that will make you feel like you've accomplished something. Take a
class, go hiking, fix something you've been putting off.

Don't start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your
life. Don't drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some
one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating
something, don't drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to
someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem.

Don't sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you
can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting
up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be
depressed.

Don't binge eat. If you start gaining weight, you will feel less self-worth
and lose your confidence. Confidence is a quality that women are extremely
attracted to.

Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she
realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet
someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are
seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!
1stworldview. You have a typical man's viewpoint. One one hand you say that you should not bother trying to get revenge.

Then you state that the best way for a man to get revenge on his ex is to start dating much younger women. You give an example of a man who ended up glad his wife left him because he saw her with her new husband and "she was now 100 pounds heavier"

Personally I feel sorry for the woman who left him. Not before time, if you ask me.
Tamara
You need to leave as soon as you get a job. Dont tell him just pack up and go. You had friends before. I'll bet they would be there in a heart beat to help you if you told them you were leaving. Can you get a diary and hide it well enough that he can't find it? Write your feelings down every morning got 15 minutes. That is the only time you allow yourself to dwell on the relationship issues. The rest of the day do things that make YOU happy. Look for a job. Keep your eye on rental places. Start preparing to leave. Lists, make a list of what you need to do. What you want to take. What can be forfeited and left behind. You may find you aren't as much in love with him as you are scared to leave. My mom got married when she was 70. There is still hope for us. You need to take care of you now. Good luck and take care.