Lost in a nightmare relationship

Hi. I start by apologising because I really shouldn't be coming to a place like this with my nightmare story, but I really need help and don't know where to get it from nor who to trust. I am actually getting scared of people in the real world.

Two years ago, I moved into the house of a man I fell for ( God knows why... ?). He claimed / claims to be divorced since about 6 years. Children live with the ex ( assuming she's the ex and not the current wife as I'm suspecting ). Anyway, to cut a long story as short as possible: in two years, this guy has never slept at home. He claims that it's because of his live of work, that he has to be on call and works nights. Thing is, he seems to work days too , so...he never sleeps? Also, in two years, this guy has never taken me out, never shared a meal or drink with me and more often than not he completely ignores my existence in the house apart from when he wants intimacy ( physical ). In addition, he spent 2 years playing controlling games with me and kind of intimidating me ( as in saying that he always knows what I do even when he's absent...well, he's absent most of the time , so I felt watched without knowing by who ). Each time I confront him ( nicely ), he denies being back with his ex, but on the other hand he goes everyday to pick the children up from school, which is odd bearing in mind that the ex has a car and doesn't work. He told his mates that I'm his tenant!! Sure, I pay my way in the house... in fact I'm either paying his morgage or the ex wife, I look after the house, clean, wash, buy stuff, etc. BUT...I would most certainly never allow intimacy with him ( or anyone ) outside of a relationship. I tried to leave a couple of times already, but each time he went mad at me and then suddenly started being all nice for one or two weeks, only to return to his old abnoxious ways straight thereafter ( when he thinks he's got me safe and trusting again ) .
The result of all this? Well, I completely lost my self esteem to the point that now I lost my job too ( sure, I'll get another one, but that is not the point...the point is that the way this guy treats me for so long has been destroying me to the piint that I knwo run around thinking I can't do anything...like I've gone from intelligent to a useless looser ). I have also been loosing friends because they tired of witnessing all the drama since I got involved with this guy and they wanted me to leave him but I never had the courage ( for some sick reason, I love this guy with all my heart...but he doesn't love me, as his actions quite obviously show ). I also caught him lying about the most ridiculous things, but of course he denies that too. He says he cares about me but claims to be terrible at communicating, yet...well, I see him communicating perfectly with everyone else...even people he doesn't really know.

The tragic of it all, is that I cannot prove that he's living with his ex wife. I feel that he is, but I cannot prove it and cannot follow him either...he'd catch me.
..
To my horror, this guy messed with my emotions so much, that I have pretty much ruining my own life / future...all because I became very defensive and insecure / frightened ( this affected my behavior at work too and that is why I lost my job and it was a very good job ). I also turned down a once in a lifetime new job opportunity to move on and start my life from scratch far away from him, which I now totally regret.

As he started realsing that I'm suspicious about his double life, he know hired workers to refurbish the house for! I didn't ask him for anything though. Oh but, of course, while the refurbishment is being done, he left me alone with ther workers to face the domestic building mayhem, while he went on vacation abroad.

I feel totally lost and scared...scared of my future ( if I'll have any ); scared that I maybe spending these two years with a guy that might be married or back with his ex and I know nothing about it. I'm scared that the neighbors know the truth and might think I'm his mistress ( I;'d never be anyone mistress ... just the thought of it is enough to make me feel awful ). But... how do I know and what shall I do?? I have no energy, I just cry my eyes out in despair and in fear...fear from people, fear from life, fear that my suspicious might really be the truth. I;'m not looking after my wellbeing at all...it;s like I suddenly ( and secretely ) gave up on myself and on life... all, because I feel used, foolish, vulnerable and above all...I feel like I am being played and of what might happen to me. I feel really lonely and frightened.

Sorry... this post is really awful.

Do not be sorry for this post.  I am not here to tell you what to do... but you have to be brave and leave this relationship though, but I know it is not easy to do.  So try to find help somewhere, try to talk to someone who can help you...  This relationship seems to destroy you, you deserve better.  When you will be ready you will be able to leave this no good relationship but I know it is very hard to do.  You deserve to be happy, just think about it... you deserve better isn't it?  YOU are not alone because many people live the same situation as you are in though.  It is not an easy situation, this why you need help, try to find help and leave this bad situation that will destroy you more and more each day.  Your post is not awful...    Take care of you...

tamara, you and i should live together and we could tell each other our problems. i, too, have been in a nightmare relationship with someone from the UK and i'm also getting divorced in the US at the same. it's been horrible over the past 8 months. i know i need to end this UK relationship but i'm still hanging on hoping to see the man again because i fell for him so badly. he's really a sweet guy but he has some mental issues and he loves me/hates me at the same time. he's schizophrenic and so he's completely unpredictable in his feelings. he's not physically dangerous but the way he can go from loving me to wanting to say goodbye is more than anyone can handle, esp. long distance. i met him while on a trip to the UK last year but we've had to continue the relationship over the internet. there's a lot more to this story, but i'd rather not go into details.

i'm trying to get through this myself. counselors and meds don't seem to help at all. i guess we have to be really brave, face what made us fall for these guys in the first place, and try to force ourselves to do other things and try to make a new life. time has taken away just a bit of my anxiety about this since i can't be with him but it's still very, very hard and i have to force myself to do things. he's still on my mind all the time. it's just a very miserable time of life.

i wish you luck in dealing with your problem. it's not easy getting out of the pit once you've fallen in. drop me a line if you want and let me know how you're doing.

Hi Chokko,

Thank you very much for your reply. You are very right... I too know that I have to leave...it's getting the psychological strength to do it ( at the same time that I'm looking for a new job ) that causes me an issue. I have never met anyone who treats people like this guy treats me. For some bizarre reason, I seem to be the only one he treats so obnoxiously. Ok, I don't really know how he treats women in general...have never seen him interact with women, but I see him with his male friends and he treats them very well.

I hope you have a good day.
T

Hello Heidiandgoats,

Thank you for having taken the time to reply to my post.
Yes, it sounds like you and I should be living together... we certainly seem to be living quite a few similarities. :0)

I'm very sorry for what you're going through with the divorce in the US and a LDR in the UK. Long distance relationship of romantic nature must be incredibly hard and frustrating. Your UK guy sounds quite like mine...hot and cold, on and off. I personally think that life is too short for all this. I mean, why can't people just enjoy each other without all these games? It's really shocking to see adults behaving so poorly... even 5 year olds behave better these days.

As to your guy having mental & emotional issues... sadly, that seems to be a pattern with men in the UK , not to mention the selfishness and deviousness ( not all men, of course, but incredibly many ). I never understood why...don't think I'll ever understand, but it's very sad to watch and certainly awful to live with...it just drags everyone down and destroys us.

I don't know what to advise you, as I'm really no expert in LDRs, but I truly hope you find the best solution for you. Does he want to have a future with you, just like you do with him?
One thing I dare suggesting though... whatever you do, never ever move country because of a man, unless you are sure of his intentions and you're married to him. Be very careful with these LDRs...sure they work for some people but not for many...from what I observe, that type of relationship, more often than not, seem to bring nothing but heartache.

As to my guy... well, I don't know what to say really. He continues insisting that he isn't back with the ex wife, but on the other hand he shuts me off from his life ( on and off ) and never sleeps at home. The fact that he never took me out in two years nor eats with me really bothers me and it's very hard. It feels like I'm not worthy or something, although I'm quite attractive, look way younger than my years and do seem to still turn heads wherever I go ( so people keep telling me ). In addition, I am a very hard working person, have varied interests, help everybody. So I know I am a good , kind and caring person and don't deserve being treating like this...nobody does actually. It's just cruel, but this guy seems to enjoying playing cruel and mean mind games with me and then, when he seems me in tears he goes all nice...till the next time, that is.

The craziest thing, however, is that I love this guy to the point of putting him before myself and my own future. Sometimes I think I must have become totally delusional really and in utter confusion.

Hope you have a lovely day and please feel free to write to me...you're most welcome.
T

Hi tamara, I know it is easy said than done just to walk away from a man you love so much. but you have to do it, you need to get out of that house, and start to get your life back together. yes you do need help because you are not strong enough do this on your own.there are people on this site to help you through this.there are more people than you know that have been through or who are going through what you are going through.take their advice and support.only you can make the decision, to put up with how your life is now or how you want your life to be. this man is destroying you. ask yourself  this how much more can this man hurt you?.the time is now to take back what he has taken from you before he destroys what is left of you.

You arw welcome Tamara.  By the way, usually, they treat others people very well....  You are not alone here, people are very nice.  

I back everything that Morton 1 says. You will be surprised how many on this site understand what you are going through, because they have had similar experiences. We are here to help each other through troubled times. Please join us.x

Hello morton1,

Thank you for your kind words and advice. You are right... I know I have to get out, but the timing is really bad... I have just lost my job and am not exactly swimming in money ...moving house is quite expensive. I feel cornered and that scares me. I already have a job interview lined up for next week, but ...it's just an interview...they may not choose me. But even if they do... I don't think I can manage leaving all by myself. Where do I go? What will happen? Will I feel even lonelier than what I already feel now? I really don't want to be alone...it's not nice and it's really hard. Sure, I am alone here too but not constantly...now and then he turns up. I know this isn't good at all and I know it's destroying me, but I feel quite scared...perhaps because my friends keep telling me that at my age my chances of a future / new life are running out...each time they say that to me, I get even more frightened.

Hope you had a nice day.
T

Hi fullofhumour,

Thank you for your comforting words and welcome. I'm starting to feel very lucky for having landed here, although it's not nice to introduce myself to new people here with my drama... I feel quite embarrassed actually.

Again, thank you very much.
T

Thank you , Chocco ( I really like this name... I take it you like chocolate then ? ) :0)

Something keeps buggering me... why is that in 2 years this guy has never taken me out, not shared a meal or drink with me? Yet, we're supposed to be in a relationship ( if I can call this a relationship ). I had never heard of a man not doing these things... from what I hear, even the worst players take a woman out, have a meal or something. When I actually asked him why he never takes me out, he said that it's because he's too busy ( I don't buy that... nobody is too busy 365 consecutive days for two years ). And when I asked why can we have a meal together, even if it's a home cooked meal ( I like cooking ), he said that he doesn't eat with people...yet, he eats with all his mates and everybody else. For God's sake, even strangers share a meal sometimes or a coffee, right?! I mean, it doesn't cost anything being a little warm and caring.

But... I have nothing of that. I feel like I'm alone on the planet and I've never been so scared in my whole life, to be honest. I'm a caring , warm person... I cannot cope with not being given a little bit of tlc too ( I know my words are sounding awful and I truly apologize for it, but am just being honest ).

Take care,
T

tamara.i agree with what has been said,you need to try a walk out of this relationship before you do something silly,there a lot of help you can get have a chat with your doctor but try and stay away from medication if you can,i am still taking meds ,my wife walked out after 32 years but my family and friends have helped me through it.i have also meet some wondefull people on this site and we will help as much as we can.
take care.   

Hello Minefull61,

Thank you for your kind message and advice. I am very sorry to hear what happened to you...that must have felt terrible ( to say the least ). But I am also a true believer in the sun always shining after a rainy day, so I am sure wonderful things are in store for you too.

No worries, I am not on medication... the only medication I've ever taken in my life so far is Paracetamol. I've been very lucky health wise so far and truly hope God keeps me this way for as long as possible because I cannot afford falling ill...I have to work no matter what. Isn't it crazy that life this days is so hard that people ( or many of us ) have to put work above their own wellbeing and health? Somehow this seems very morally wrong to me but then again I am a humanitarian, so I am bound to feel this way about certain things.

I will leave this house... I just cannot do right now because after having lost my job last Friday, I now have to ensure that I get a new job...even if it's not a good job...I always say, any work is better than no work and therefore, when I feel cornered or stuck as I am now, I throw myself at the first thing that comes along ( job wise ). I was looking forward to take a week or two holiday this summer but as now I lost my job...well, I have to say goodbye to my summer vacation. This is no life, is it?! Just work, worries, loneliness and bad treatment. I always used to say ' begin each day as if it were on purpose ' but ... well, I am not doing what I preach lately.

T

Hello morton1,

Thank you for your kind words and advice. You are right... I know I have to get out, but the timing is really bad... I have just lost my job and am not exactly swimming in money ...moving house is quite expensive. I feel cornered and that scares me. I already have a job interview lined up for next week, but ...it's just an interview...they may not choose me. But even if they do... I don't think I can manage leaving all by myself. Where do I go? What will happen? Will I feel even lonelier than what I already feel now? I really don't want to be alone...it's not nice and it's really hard. Sure, I am alone here too but not constantly...now and then he turns up. I know this isn't good at all and I know it's destroying me, but I feel quite scared...perhaps because my friends keep telling me that at my age my chances of a future / new life are running out...each time they say that to me, I get even more frightened.

Hope you had a nice day.
T

Hi, of course you will feel scared and unsure of what will happen to you.but do you want to live the rest of your life the way it is now?. you are never too old  to make a new life for yourself, can it be any worse than it is at the present. you are not given yourself a chance to meet someone that can treat you the way you deserve. where would you go if he came to you and said he did not want to be with you anymore,you would have no choice but to start again.you are only young and have a lot to give, do not waste any more of your life on this man.be brave and take control of your life. give yourself the chance to find happiness that is long overdue.x

You can do it Tamara. My husband walked out on me after 40 years of marriage and I was on my own for the first time in my life. It wasn't easy as a I was left crippled with arthritis and underwent two hip replacements before I started to get back on my feet - no pun intended!! After two very difficult years I made a new life for myself and became very independent and developed into the strong woman I am today. I wish there had been something like this chat room to help me but managed on my own. Take heed of all those here to help you through it. XXX