Well of business man with gorgeous wife and two of the most stunning daughter says to wife I know i have a good job and a fantastic wife and two lovely daughters but something is missing.
I would dearly love a son to make my life complete.
His wife agrees and in due course the boy is born.
In the delivery the man picks up the baby boy and see one of the most ugly babies ever born.
So upset he says to his wife have you had an affair
.
She answered not this time!
A woman was looking at her naked body in the mirror and said to her husband that her breasts were not big enough.
He said to her that she should rub a piece of tissue paper between her breasts every day and gradually over a period of time, her breasts would grow larger. She did this for some time and then asked her husband how he could be so sure this would work.
He said "It worked for your a**e didn't it?"
He is now responding to treatment and with care could make a complete recovery!
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home
drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I
swished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping
your mouth shut helps?"


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Dorothy is very upset that her husband, Albert has passed away and when she was crying at the mortuary, an attendant tried to comfort her.
She explains that she was particularly upset because Albert was wearing a black suit although it was his dying wish that he was to be buried in a blue suit.
The attendant apologised as he was unaware of Albert's wishes and promised he would see what he could do.
When Dorothy returned to the mortuary the following day, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert was now wearing a blue suit, and asked the attendant how he managed to get hold of the beautiful blue suit.
He replied "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in wearing a blue suit and his widow wanted him to be buried in a black suit. After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around"
[center]One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose.'

While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she kept silent.

The next morning,
the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
'You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra.'
This was
beyond

a silent response...


So she rolled over
and grabbed him
by his
'DANGLER.'



With a death grip in place,
she said...
'You know,
if you
firmed this up,
we could
get rid of
the gardener ,
the postman ,
the pool man
and
your brother !'

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Ha Ha! Like it!
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>
> HUSBAND TRAINING
> A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
> in Montego Bay, Jamaica .
> Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
> People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'
> The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
> long and happy marriage.
>
> The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America '.
> We
> visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , And we took a trip down to the
> bottom of the canyon, by horse.
> We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell
> off.
> My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'
> We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again..
> Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
> We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my
> wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
>
> I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman!
> Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you $%#@! crazy?'
> She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
>
> And from that moment on.... 'We have lived happily ever after
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A woman
> > decides to have a facelift for her 50th
> > birthday.
> >
> > She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the
> > results.
> >
> > On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a
> > newspaper.
> >
> > Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you
> > don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I
> > am
> >
> > 'About 32,' is the reply.'
> >
> > 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says
> > happily.
> >
> > A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
> > the counter girl the very same question.
> >
> > The girl replies, 'I'd guess about
> > 29.'
> >
> > The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm
> > 50.'
> >
> > Now she's feeling really good about herself...
> > She stops in a drug store on her way down the
> > street.
> >
> > She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the
> > clerk this burning question.
> >
> > The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say
> > 30.'
> >
> > Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank
> > you!'
> >
> > While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
> > waiting next to her the same question.
> >
> > He replies,
> > 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although,
> > when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
> > woman was.
> >
> > It sounds very
> > forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
> > your bra.
> >
> > Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you
> > are.'
> >
> > They wait in silence on the empty street until her
> > curiosity gets the best of her.
> >
> > She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go
> > ahead.'
> >
> > He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
> > feel around very slowly and carefully.
> >
> > He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches
> > each nipple.
> > He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
> > other.
> >
> > After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
> > 'Okay, okay....How old am
> > I?'
> >
> > He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
> > hands, and says, 'Madam, you are
> > 50.'
> >
> > Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was
> > incredible, how could you tell?'
> >
> > The old man says, 'Promise you won't get
> > mad?'
> >
> > 'I promise I won't' she
> > says.
> >
> > 'I was in line behind you at
> > McDonalds'
Fifty - Fifty

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
[center]Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

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Now this joke requires a lot of imagination!

Imagine if you can two pieces of black tarmac going into a bar for a drink.
They chat for a while about their experiences when a piece of red tarmac enters the bar.
One of the pieces of black tarmac quickly disappears into the toilet and doesnt re-emerge until the red tarmac has gone.
When he returns the other piece of black tarmac says "What happened to you? There was red tarmac here for a while and you missed him!"
He replied "Im not talking to him...he's a cyclepath!"
[center]A Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a Southwest flight to Dallas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.


Appalled, the preacher replied, 'I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips.'

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.



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[center]WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST



She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee..

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
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[center]
Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do..
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
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