It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

I've discovered that I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

I know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
It was all so different before everything changed.

Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.

Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

A day without sunshine is like - well - night.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Thanks for making me smile hugs xx
Glad someone reads the honey.

LOLHAK ..... (I'll leave you to work that one out)

David xxx
Dave707 wrote: It was all so different before everything changed. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident. A day without sunshine is like - well - night. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
:) keep it up dave ,anyone else out there ??
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get

Our friend Eddie has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, Eddie takes something for it.

I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold'em with a deck of tarot cards. I got a royal flush and five people died.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Don't wish ill for your enemy, plan it.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.

After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
I have been reading these, Dave and I would like to thank you :lol:
as they say Dave ..the way to a girls heart is to make them laugh
cheers and thanks :lol:
Some One-Liners

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

May those who love us, love us; and those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts; and if He doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.

It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking.

A dog owns nothing, yet is seldom dissatisfied.

Irish diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he looks forward to making the trip.

There are only two kinds of people in the world, The Irish and those who wish they were.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.

May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.

May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.
Very great Dave
The quickest way to make someone ignore you is to start a sentence with "You should ..."

He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.

It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.

You can"t be late until you show up.

If you think things can"t get worse it"s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

I didn"t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

I"ve just learned about your illness. Let"s hope it"s nothing trivial.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure

I"ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn"t it.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

I have the body of a god... Buddha!

Projectile vomiting rarely gets you a return invitation anywhere.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
:lol: Thanks for the laughs, Dave :lol:
Don't know how you come up with so many great ones!!
Brilliant :)